Marriage Monday (errr, Tuesday): Do You Trust Me?

See Thought 2 below...this picture will then make sense :)

Trust. One of the most important components of a good, lasting marriage. Also, sadly, probably one of the least common in today's marriages. As I've said before, I am not a counselor, an expert, or anything of the sort. What I want to do today is just share with you my personal journey in hopes that it will encourage and help you.

When Will and I first started dating, he traveled a lot. It was pretty easy for my brain to jump to conclusions and create stories in my head and when I dwelled on them long enough, they would become almost reality to me. I struggled with this and it was scary. Where were these thoughts coming from? Was Will actually doing anything that would lead me to have these thoughts? Was it all in my head...and, if so, why?

I prayed about it...a lot.

And then one day, it was like a voice inside my head said, "Stacey, stop and think really hard about the man you are with. You know his heart, his morals, his character...and they are really, really good and solid." In that moment, it became so clear to me that events and hurts from my past were being projected onto a man who was doing nothing to deserve my lack of trust. To the contrary, he was doing everything right. He was the trustworthy, stable man of God that I had prayed for for so many years.

For a long time, I had to make a conscious effort to change my behavior. The thoughts in my head didn't just automatically go away. When a thought would pop into my head, I would say out loud, "Stacey, stop. This is Will...you can trust him. He's not _____ (fill in the blank with previous person who hurt me/you)." And then I would feel peace. After a while, I no longer had to make that conscious effort, it just became my new reality...a reality based solely on the present with no infiltration of the past.

3 thoughts:

1) Had I not dealt with that issue early on in our dating relationship, I honestly don't think I'd be sitting here writing this blog post as Mrs. Will Kyler (a thought, by the way, that I can't even fathom). My husband, above all else, is honest, forthcoming and a "tell it like it is, hide nothing" kind of guy. How would he have felt if I challenged everything about that character and basically called him a liar? It wouldn't have lasted. Think about it this way....if the roles were reversed and he were to challenge my character, how would I feel? Angry!...that's how I would feel! It was my issue, not his, and I had to deal with it.

2) Men and women alike, be a person worthy of your spouse's trust. Marriage is not a game, it's not about seeing what you can get away with. Like Will always says, "we need to be above reproach in everything we do, regardless if anyone is watching us or not." I wish I was a better writer and could put into words how much deeper and stronger my love for Will is because of the character he exudes. And I want him to feel the exact same way about me.

3) We are human and humans do make mistakes. Although we should live everyday striving to be beyond reproach, it's imperative to understand that God is the only one guaranteed not to fail us. Psalm 13:5-6 says, "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."

THIS WEEK'S CONVERSATION TOPIC: 1) First is a conversation with God. Talk to him about your level of trust in Him and the peace that comes from knowing He'll never fail you. If you don't feel that way, then ask Him to restore that trust. 2) Second is a conversation with yourself. Ask yourself the hard questions...Am I worthy of my spouse's trust? What do I need to change if not? Do I trust my spouse? If not, is it possible that my lack of trust has nothing to do with him/her, but is really about me and my insecurities? 3) Last is a conversation with your spouse. Talk about what you discovered from conversations 1 and 2. This is a HARD topic to talk about, but I hope you see how imperative it is to a good and lasting marriage.

Marriage Monday: How Can We Be "We" Without Me?

This is Brett and Jennifer, my friends for the past 14 years!! Brett and Jennifer will be celebrating their 19th wedding anniversary in about a week....AWESOME example of a great marriage!! Congratulations you two! :)

For the past few weeks I've really had a specific topic on my heart for Marriage Monday and as I've been thinking about it, I found it so interesting that my super inspiring friend, Jessie, also blogged about the topic and then Sunday's sermon at church was also on the same subject....must mean I'm meant to share it!

Before you read on in my post, take a second to read what my friend, Jessie, says in her blog post HERE. (And if you love it, which I know you will, add her blog to your bookmarks because she constantly has a way of saying some pretty intensely important things in that adorable way of hers that makes you want to come back for more!!)

In her post, she talks about finding the "you" in you and being so happy and content with the person God created you to be....and I LOVE that.

And here's how I've been thinking about that in terms of marriage....how can we really have the marriage God has planned for us if we're more worried about making ourselves into something or someone we're not?? If we think we're not pretty enough, or funny enough, or smart enough, we'll spend all our time focusing on a sad attempt at being someone we're not and miss out on just living with the one person who loves us for who we really are. Can I be bold enough to repeat the last half of that sentence?? ...we'll spend all our time focusing on a sad attempt at being someone we're not and miss out on just living with the one person who loves us for who we really are.

In yesterday's church service, Pastor Sean took this concept even further when he talked about the importance of focusing on our own personal relationship with God. And when we do that, the character of God will become our character....love, peace, patience, forgiveness, kindness, etc. I believe that when we have the characteristics of God, we naturally 1) begin to love ourselves because we understand that we are exactly as He created us to be, and 2) almost by default, have marriages that last because we love God, love ourselves, and treat our spouse with love, peace, patience, forgiveness, kindness, etc.

Let me see if I can summarize this... We (our marriage) can't be a true, honest, real "we" if one or both of the "me's" aren't true, honest and real. And I/you can't be a true, honest and real "me" until we see ourselves as God sees us. Make sense? It starts with me. It starts with you.

THIS WEEK'S SUGGESTED CONVERSATION TOPIC: (This is a toughy, but a goody.) Share with your spouse or fiance one nugget of your persona (the you that others see) that you know isn't really you. And then, once you've shared, ask your spouse to hold you accountable to being true to yourself in that specific area. The freedom you find in being "you" will blow you away...and I'd wager that your marriage/relationship will be better for it as well!

Marriage Monday

This image is my wonderful friend, Keary, and her awesome husband, Justin. Keary and Justin just celebrated their 1 year anniversary yesterday!! Keary is an AMAZING photographer in San Jose, CA. (View her website by clicking HERE.) This image taken by the insanely talented Kelly Moore of Ruston, LA. (View her website by clicking HERE.)

Happy Monday, everyone! So I've been thinking a lot about my blog and some changes that I want to make to it. One of the primary things that has been on my heart lately is marriage. 1) I LOVE marriage. 2) My husband, Will, and I are so passionate about good marriage and taking the steps to ensure it always stays that way. 3) I am soooo blessed to get to work with amazing clients who are either newly engaged and planning for their big day or clients who are saying their vows and experiencing their very first day of marriage. My home life and my work life are all about marriage....and I absolutely love it!

Before I go on, let me just stress that I am not, not, NOT an expert. Will and I have only been married for 3 years and 4 months....which clearly doesn't put us into an expert category. I, simply, love marriage and want to create dialogue with you about it. I'll offer my thoughts, etc, but I want to hear and learn from you as well!

Ecclesiastes 9:9 says, "Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun." ENJOY LIFE WITH YOUR SPOUSE. I love this! God is telling us through this passage that our spouse is to be the one we enjoy life with even when the rest of it seems meaningless. Even when work is overwhelming, or annoying, or pointless, we have someone to go home to who makes life enjoyable. It seems like common sense, right? But how often do our spouses become just a home "co-worker," or the one we take our frustrations out on because they are supposed to love us unconditionally, or even a complete stranger? Let's be honest, it takes a lot of work to keep our priorities where they should be. What things do you and your spouse/fiance love to do together? When was the last time the two of you did those things?

It might seem silly, but one of the things Will and I love to do is walk the dogs. We walk them every night together. The amazing thing about our walks is that we're the only two humans :) out there and there is no television on or anything else to distract us. So we talk. Sometimes deep, life conversations. Sometimes silly conversations like where we would build homes if we ever won the lottery. We talk about how humbled we feel that God has blessed us with where we live, or with each other, or whatever is on our hearts at that moment. Regardless of the topic, I love him even more after every single walk because I feel closer to him.

So here are some questions for you that I'd LOVE to hear your feedback on...

-- What do you and your spouse do to enjoy life together?
-- What do you find are some of the struggles that make it hard to do these things?
-- Couples with children, I'd love to hear your comments on the added difficulties of spending time alone with your spouse once you have children. But more importantly, I'd like to know what you've done to overcome that and make your marriage a priority.

So we'll see how this goes, but my plan is to have a conversation with you like this on every Monday. Additionally, I'd like to leave you each Monday with a suggested conversation topic to have with your spouse/fiance at some time during the week. Sometimes this will be a deep, life topic and sometimes it will be something funny, but my hope is that you will end each conversation loving them even more because you feel closer to them.

THIS WEEK'S SUGGESTED CONVERSATION TOPIC: Thinking back through your entire relationship with each other, what are the 3 most fun times you've ever had with one other? Spend time reminiscing about those times/events and then talk about whether you still do fun things together. Why or why not? Schedule a date with each other and be sure to put it on the calendar so that it really happens!!!

Here's to happy marriage! :-)