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| (Thanks to Zach and Jody Gray for the image. www.zachandjody.com) |
I don't think it's any surprise that I'm somewhat of an odd duck. ;) I am many times an open book, sharing personal details just because. Other times, however, there are things in my life that I hold very close, maybe out of a desire to protect myself and my family, maybe out of pride. For some time now I have felt the calling to open up about one of those privately held subjects. I'm not sure yet if the reason is to help myself heal or to help someone else...maybe it's both.
Here is our story...
From the time I was a little girl, I've wrapped dolls in blankets and tucked them in a soft bed or cradle before my tender heart could leave them. I wasn't the kid who left dolls thrown on the floor or undressed. They were babies to me and they deserved cute clothes, soft beds and warm blankets. I have older siblings so I've been around kids my whole life, from a very young age. I have a comfort and a gifting with little ones and they bond quickly to me. There was never a question as to whether or not I wanted to grow up and have kids...it was just a given. The title of Mama would be one that I would celebrate soon after receiving the honor of the title Wife.
When Will and I were serious in our dating relationship and marriage was forthcoming, I couldn't help but get giddy with excitement over what our children would be like...type A (for sure!), dramatic and goofy like their Mama?, strong and wise like their Daddy?, a runner like me?, slow to warm up, but hilariously funny like Will? I could imagine the feeling of seeing Will in the eyes of my baby and the humor in being able to say "you are so your father!" All of this was never an "if," it was just "when."
Fast forward almost five years now and as I type this blog with tears running down my cheeks, our reality is that this will never happen for us. After more testing than either one of us cared to endure, we now know that from a medical perspective, we are not able to have children. My eggs are not quality eggs with no explanation as to why. I will not sugar coat it and say that this knowledge has been remotely easy to deal with. The pain is sometimes unbearable and it feels like we are dealing with the death of a child that we never had.
Most of you know that Will and I are Christians and you may be thinking, "but God can do miracles!" And to that I say, YES HE CAN!! And you better believe that if He ever chooses to do that miracle in our lives, you will never have seen a celebration like the one that will be happening in the Kyler house! But sometimes, for reasons that make absolutely no sense to our human minds, His answer is no. For the past few months, since learning our news, our struggle has been how to respond when His answer, in fact, is no. I will never, probably in this entire lifetime, say that I have it all figured out, but I can tell where we stand right now. It's all about perspective. A higher perspective that we serve a God who wants nothing short of the very best for us and if His answer is no, it's because it's what's best for us even if we can't understand it. And an Earthly perspective that we are so unbelievably blessed beyond measure.
For me personally...I was born into a family that loves and adores me. I have been given every opportunity imaginable to be what I want to be in this lifetime. I live in the greatest country in the world with freedom that I will never take lightly. I am married to God's perfect match for me, my very, very best friend. We live in heaven right here on Earth in Colorado. We have our two baby angels (our dogs) that I can mother and spoil all I want. I have my brother, sister-in-law, niece and a soon coming niece or nephew that live within walking distance of me who I can see whenever I want. And speaking of my niece, Lola...oh my. God put that little lady on this Earth for soooooo many reasons, but I am positive that one major reason was to help heal her TiTi's heart. That sweet baby girl brings more joy to my life than I can describe. To summarize, I am SO blessed and there should be no room in my very blessed self for a "whoa is me" mentality.
If I'm being very honest, one of the hardest things for me to deal with are the people who can't find joy in their current situation. I see/hear comments from moms who complain about how miserable pregnancy is, how miserable delivery is, how miserable raising children is and I just want to scream from the rooftops, FIND JOY IN THE MIRACLE FROM GOD THAT YOU HAVE AT YOUR FINGERTIPS!! Trust me, I am not disillusioned. I know that there are really hard and really crummy parts about pregnancy, delivery, and child raising...really hard. And I know that one of the beautiful things about social media outlets like facebook is that we are free to say whatever we think. But it makes me sad because I fear that some (not all) of those people are too focused on "me" to step back and find perspective to see how crazy blessed they are.
In closing, I would ask one thing of you. No, I would beg one thing of you. Don't feel sorry for us. That's not why I write this. The friends who we cling the tightest to are the ones who keep a positive, God-centered attitude. We surround ourselves with people who strive to keep that Godly perspective on life and find true joy through Christ. The very best response to me sharing this story would be for all of us to step back, look at our lives and put the thing(s) that have us down, depressed, and complaining into perspective. I don't know about you, but I am making the decision to refuse to let anything rob me of my joy.
